Yes, ours is indeed toxic. I finally realized that. For years, I tried to deny it. We fought and hurt each other in ways one cannot imagine. And each time, we made up. I found it to be the beauty of our relationship. That feeling when despite all the rough patches, we always managed to remain together.
Almost seven years. That’s how long we have been together. And to be fair, we used to have more days of happiness, so it was definitely worth the moments of pain.
When did we start to be like this? Was it when you became very jealous? Or was it when you said you knew I was cheating? Maybe it was when I became too dependent on you, that I would rather lose myself than let go of what we had.
You were my comfort zone. The arms which hugged me whenever I felt I could no longer take it. The hands that wiped my every tear. The reason why I could still smile despite of it all.
What happened? Why did our laughters became sorrows? Why could we no longer understand each other, and be patient with one another? How did the years of togetherness transformed us to individuals who could not let each other grow?
Sorry if I talk in the past when here we are on the same bed – facing different sides. I can hear you breathe but not your heart beating. Can you hear me sob?
I do not know what to tell you. I cannot dare speak. I am scared the words might not come out right. I want to ask you things. Do you still want to hold my hand? Can I still make you smile? Do you still get excited whenever you see me?
I am thinking, can we still make it? Are we still worth it? Do we still want to try? I do not want to know, but, is this the end of us?
